Meeting 3 and beyond
LISTEN, REFLECT BACK, ASK and SHARE what you NOTICE
MENTOR’S ROLE:
Your main job in this role continues to be to listen and keep time. Once your mentee has shared as fully as they wish, you can reflect back to them what you heard. Let them respond, in turn, to your reflection.
After this exchange you then have some options to offer to the mentee. You can ask them if they want a question (as per the guidelines for meeting 2) and/ or if they want to hear anything you have noticed that their sharing has stimulated in you. This can be a feeling, a thought, a fantasy, or a memory. Use statements that start with ‘I’ - you are speaking about your experience, not telling them what they should do.
E.g. “Listening to you, I feel…”
I am dreaming of…
I am thinking of….
I am remembering……
Make sure that your response is a gift back to them - in other words, this is still their time, not yours. You are giving them a present of your feelings, thoughts, ideas, dreams, memories. Leave time for them to respond to these. And don’t feel you have to say anything profound! The simplest and most obvious noticings and sharings can be wonderful gifts: e.g. “I felt excited when you were talking about your ideas.”
You can also say if you noticed something in your partner, as well as in you, for example, about their expression or body language:
E.g. “When you talked about your painting you lifted up your hands and spread them wide- you looked happy and surprised.” Again, let this be a gift, back to them, not an analysis, but just something you observed.
The above is actually very similar to the guidelines Matilda shares with people for The Mother Den, our MWM shelter for sharing work. These are shared below in case they also prove useful to you in your mentoring exchange.
The Mother Den Feedback Guidance:
Here are some guidelines for people around giving supportive feedback. There are only three, with some subheadings under the second:
1) Say ‘Good’! My favourite writing teacher Lynda Barry only ever gives this feedback: “Good!” That’s it. No matter what work has been presented. Not “It’s good!” (a comment on the work) or “You’re good!” (a comment on the student), just “Good!” (a comment on the practice of doing and sharing the work). Her students get better. Never underestimate the power of simply saying ‘Good’!! This is also a shorthand for the key overall principle in the Mother Den - we are here to support and encourage one another, not to critique. This is a space for sheltering our work. We want it to be safe space for all.
2) Notice what you notice: When someone is sharing their work/ ideas/ dreams notice what you notice. These noticings then become the source of any feedback you might give. Here are some different kinds of noticing that might go on:
a) Notice what you observe/ hear/ see from what is shared: Notice and share this- be specific and do not be afraid to be obvious - e.g. "I notice the bright blue in the middle of the picture!”
b) Notice how you feel: notice and share how something makes you feel - excited, sad, curious, joyous……
c) Notice what it makes you think of/ dream of: Notice if any images, memories, thoughts, fantasies come up in response to what has been shared.
3) And lastly, don’t feel you have to say anything! Witnessing can be enough. You can also respond non-verbally, through hand gestures we will share in the opening, or doodles you have done while listening.